Gabe Rucker Has Been Going By Middle Name This Whole GODDAMN Time
Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the ten plus years they had known each other, an incredulous Sam Hoffman reported Friday that his friend Gabe Rucker had apparently been going by his middle name this whole goddamn time.
‘Wait, Gabe’s real first name is Nathan? Are you [expletive] kidding me?' said a visibly stunned Hoffman, who was alerted to his friend’s given name written out on an out-of-state crabbing license that Rucker had signed, a discovery that reportedly set off a succession of puzzling questions in Hoffman’s mind, ranging from why the hell his friend had kept this fact hidden for so long to why he would go out of his way to call himself 'Gabe' when his actual first name was completely normal to begin with.
‘What the [expletive]? Nate Rucker? What else is he keeping from me? Jesus, it’s like I don’t even know who he is anymore.'
At press time, Hoffman noted that the incident was even more outrageous than the Manzanita where Rucker declined a can of baked beans as an olive branch for an earlier altercation where Hoffman had helped himself to Rucker's leftover Chinese food.
