Chemicals That Pushed Ancestors to Run Down Wild Boar Flare at Sight of Lean Pocket
Setting off a cascade of neurological processes that evolved in the human race millennia ago, the same chemicals that pushed Jeremy Pfarr’s ancient ancestors to run down wild boar reportedly flared Friday night at the sight of a Lean Pocket.
According to sources, moments after his brain perceived and interpreted the relevant visual cues from the crinkly plastic wrapping surrounding the microwaveable turnover, a flood of neurotransmitters surged through Pfarr's hypothalamus, spurring him to pursue the snack with the exact intensity that his spear-wielding forebears displayed while chasing herds of swine for miles across the African savannah.
Sam Hoffman confirmed that, as the microwave timer hit zero, Pfarr lunged at the mass of dough, meat, and cheese; ripping off the foil packaging sleeve with an adrenalized fervor indistinguishable from that which seized prehistoric hunters as they set upon a dangerous wild boar armed with razor-sharp tusks.
At press time, the same digestive hormones that compelled Pfarr’s most distant ancestors to strip every morsel of meat off the boar carcass were compelling him to scrape greasy pocket residue off the plate.
