Sam Hoffman in Talks to Crash on Couch
' HEY BRÜ! YOU READY FOR A LITTLE SAMMY? '
Sam Hoffman may be on the move to a new city, as the 30 year old man is reportedly in discussions with several trip goers about crashing on their couch for 'a little while' leading up to Manzanita 2017.
'Hey man, I was thinking I might be coming through [insert city] early in the Summer, mind if I crash at your place?' Hoffman texted residents of Seattle and Portland.
'I'll be an easy guest, I promise. You'll hardly even know I was there.'
'Mind if I crash at your place? ... I'll be an easy Guest...'
' WHAT'S FOR DINNER? '
Recipients of the seemingly harmless text messages appear hesitant. 'Listen, Sam may be cultured now, having been through rural Africa, but it's still Sam,' reported Northwest sources. 'First, he's like 'hey, can I just sleep here and maybe take a shower?' Then, all of a sudden it's 'hey, I'm wearing most of your clothes, I hope that's alright.' Before you know it, he says 'hey, I'm moving your stuff into the living room and taking the bedroom. Seems fair because I spend more time here. I know you're cool with it.''
'I'm not cool with it, Sam,' notes David Lantz, famously burned by Hoffman's antics in 2011 when the latter squatted in his apartment for two months. Lantz can recite one conversation where Hoffman brazenly proclaimed 'Hey! I drank your six pack, you idiot! I'll get you a beer at the bar next weekend.' Upon Lantz' objection to the fairness of such terms, Hoffman quipped 'You give me six; I give you one. It's called leverage, Lantz.'
'I'LL get you a beer at the bar next weekend'
MAP - EXPANDED HOUSING SEARCH
Sources close to Hoffman indicate he seems optimistic someone will take him in. However, things aren't looking good as residents of the Emerald City are following Lantz' lead by intervening early when Hoffman says he is going to 'drop by Seattle to say hi.' The local group was quoted, 'We had this feeling he'd show up. You have to shut the door as soon as possible. And we're sending word to Portland right away to head this thing off.'
Recent developments show Hoffman's search spreading to a wider region including Sacramento, Bend, Spokane, Bozeman, Boise, Elko, and even as far as Southern California. Hoffman's conditions state he is willing to stay if the 'primary tenant purchases [Hoffman's] flight to PDX Airport in addition to covering all food and drink.'
As of this morning, there have yet to be any takers, and the search continues.
