DOOMSDAY ZINGER

DAVID LANTZ MOVES DOOMSDAY CLOCK CLOSER TO MIDNIGHT

' NOW I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS. '

In preparation for Manzanita 2017, David Lantz confirmed that he has completed work on the 'Doomsday Zinger,' an extremely judgmental quip. 'It is a dynamic, stand-alone, all-powerful one-liner capable of utterly stripping someone down to their core.'

The zinger is reportedly the perfect fusion of scathing personal digs, witty colloquialisms, uranium-238, biting criticism, and liquid nitrogen.

Early development links back to Lantz' years living with post college roommates. Having built a reputation for well-timed, razor sharp, but fair remarks, Lantz allegedly chanced upon a low-grade version of the blistering wisecrack in response to the asinine household commentary.

' BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING [EXPLETIVE] STUPID. '

'I am just waiting for someone to drop their guard,' declared Lantz, threatening to strike at a moment's notice. 'Everyone will be on the deck kicking back cold ones, making small talk, and comparing the excellent weather patterns to years past. That is when I make my move.'

'Nothing's sacred, and if this zinger is anything like we expect, it could create a chain reaction similar to Manzanita 2010,' cackled Lantz through a toothy grin. The aforementioned event occurred when Lantz completely dismantled an unstable redhead, catastrophically resulting in a total meltdown.

'It’s actually a pretty funny zinger, too,' reported Bryan Leslie with a laugh, having heard half of the piercing retort delivered safely in a controlled environment. 'Lantz has to be careful to get the timing exactly right. Because if he doesn’t, the zinger could blow up in his face. I pity the target and hope witnesses survive the fallout.'

And as the color drained from his face, Leslie warned, 'There may not be a Manzanita 2018.'
 

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