Downstairs Bedroom ALREADY Has ThaT Steamy TULL Funk, Group Reports
THE BEAR’S LAIR
Manzanita 2018 — The bedroom of Kyle Tull and Daniel Zender already has that weird, steamy Tull funk, friends of the 30 year-old men reported Friday.
Convening to discuss containment strategies for the mysterious dankness, fellow housemates agreed that the vapors seemed to be strongest mid-afternoon. ‘Yeah, Bryan and I were headed out to the garage and suddenly, we're hit with like this wave of, well, I can't really describe it.’
‘The whole room always has a distinct heaviness,’ shared one friend. ‘Can't put my finger on what it is exactly, but to me it definitely feels like Tull’. The source first noticed the strange humidity on Friday morning upon seeing the freshly showered Tull drape a dripping wet towel across his bag.
‘I can't really describe it.’
IT HAS NEVER BEEN DISPLEASING ENOUGH TO INTERFERE WITH THE FRIENDSHIP
Other parties aren’t as quick to absolve Zender as many theorize both men contribute in some way to the cave-like atmosphere in their temporary dwelling.
‘After Z and the big fella left, I went in their room to search for the source, and … whoa,’ said one investigator. ‘It's not terrible, but it's definitely there. You can sort of sense it on both them, and if you go in the room, it hits you the second you open the door.’
Discussing the palpable sensation while inspecting Zender’s discarded swimsuit soaking into the carpet, the confinement team noted the funk is neither an aroma nor entirely on the visible spectrum and can be described as ‘something closer to a mugginess, or maybe a musty sort of mist, almost.’
The funk, which everyone present agreed is not even really a smell, has always been a part of Zender and Tull’s relationship dating back to a sophomore year dorm room. ‘I wouldn't really say it stinks,’ another person said. ‘It's just kinda off… and not the kind of obvious issue where you could just tell them straight up, 'Dude, crack a window in here.''
‘DUDE, CRACK A WINDOW IN HERE’
FARTING AROUND
Though a general open-door policy exists within the room, the bedmates, who generally convene on the outdoor deck, have seemingly not addressed the issue with one another. What is known, however, is that during each of the three known instances when someone else ventured into Tull and Zender's room, the person emerged noting the damp, clammy air and distinct sweetness unique to the area.
‘My first guess was dirty laundry, but there weren't that many clothes lying around,’ said one such explorer who recently led an expedition into the room to rule out potential sources such as old pieces of food, half-empty seltzer cans, or used dip spitters. ‘Has someone been working out in here? Maybe it could be the sweaty bedsheets that never seem to dry? I don’t know, but it’s like a goddamn steamroom!’
Zender and Tull’s friends doubt they will ever discover the cause of the funk as they are reluctant to broach the subject with the pair. Everyone unanimously agreed, however, that the funk is ‘more weird than bad’ and ultimately ‘no real biggie.’
