Jack Reid Reportedly Considers Himself Part of the Group Now

Manzanita 2014 — Upon arrival Thursday afternoon, sources confirmed Jack Reid was celebrating the completion of a five year integration plan.

Speaking to a packed driveway, Reid unveiled the long-term, multi-pronged strategy that included a series of behavioral and social adaptations designed to insert himself into the group of college friends. ‘Tonight caps an incredible effort,’ announced Reid, gesturing to a flip chart displaying four key phases, each supported by several tactical, time-sensitive milestones spanning the past half decade.

Reid fondly harked back to the early phase when he established himself as a bold social media presence. ‘You know, I really enjoyed being a loudmouth on Twitter,’ said the 27-year-old man, who appeared to grow nostalgic while discussing how he would often troll his future friends from afar, publicly feuding with the heavy hitters in the group. Reid marveled at how effectively his digital outreach spread, even finding opportunities to post Facebook photos with the elusive Portland guys.

Talking through the second phase, Reid became visibly emotional while addressing his awkwardly executed move to Seattle. ‘I knew the day would eventually come when I would have to show up in person,’ shared Reid as he recalled all the long nights spent transitioning away from an online persona, building rapport with different individuals, and hoping to land a roommate.

‘Though Burke’s apartment wouldn’t have been my first choice, I jumped at the chance to move in.’ Fitting in with his new roommates clearly came naturally as Reid went on to reveal the finer points of phase three. ‘Really, all I had to do was buy a bunch of Gonzaga gear and eat more fast food.’

According to Reid, he progressed to the terminal phase of his plan upon receiving an invitation to the group’s annual beach trip. ‘You’ve made it Jack,’ Reid quietly affirmed before opening the floor for questions. At press time, a triumphant Reid was offering his arm for congratulatory handshakes, introducing himself to multiple members of the group along the way.