Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Lanier Know What You Really Think
In addition to the known positive health benefits from drinking red wine, new research finds that the consumption of five to eleven glasses of red wine, not limited to any specific time of day, may be linked to totally laying into Austin Lanier.
According to a study that remains unpublished by any respectable medical journal, a previously unknown ingredient in red wine has been shown to cause a striking reduction in the time needed to translate muttered, personal digs into loud, personal attacks — while reducing overall inhibition — after only five glasses.
During routine trials, a subject who imbibed seven glasses or more showed a remarkable increase in specific mental functions, such as the ability to recall every one of their friend Austin's perceived shortcomings.
'The benefits of red wine consumption are virtually limitless,' said Ben Brajcich, lead researcher of the study. Reporters caught up with the visibly inebriated man stumbling towards the San Dune, where Brajcich explained that he alone made up the experimental group, the control group, as well as the independent variable of the cutting edge research.
A closer look shows one group steadily imbibed 8-ounce glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon while being allowed observe Lanier give uninformed critiques of Gonzaga's basketball program. The other group, a control group, was subjected to an audio tape of Lanier professing fandom for other seemingly unrelated sports franchises, and was constrained to casually sipping thin skinned Pinot Noir.
'The positive effects of wine consumption were seen in as little as thirty minutes, with off the charts activity in the area of the brain devoted to reminding you why Lando is pissing you off right now, and a marked decrease in concern for his physical well being. And after drinking only two bottles of standard Merlot... it's extraordinary!'
Subsequent double blind tests revealed that, if the red wine is consumed on an empty stomach, the benefits increase nearly tenfold.
'I highly suggest everyone allow a few glasses of wine as part of their daily healthy diet,' shouted Brajcich loudly, slurring his words before pouring himself the remains of an open bottle. 'But what do I know? I'm just the lead researcher on this project.'
